Sunday, June 21, 2015

14 Things My Dad Has Taught Me

Happy Father's Day! Over the years, my dad has taught me many "very important" things:

  1. Take cookies out of the oven 5 minutes early.
The cookie makers might be good at making cookies, but they are not experts in eating cookies. 5 minutes early guarantees the cookies will be doughy, soft and way better than a crispy cookie.

  1. Stick to romantic comedies.
Why bother watching a dramatic, violent movie when you could be watching something funny and romantic? Don’t ask if the movie has good reviews. Go with your gut and you’ll be laughing out loud. Any movie with Sandra Bullock or Julia Roberts is guaranteed to be a classic.

  1. Eat ice cream after every dinner.
This one is obvious. Ice cream helps clean your palette and is delicious.

  1. There’s no such thing as too much Iowa Hawkeyes gear.
If you’re a fan of a team other than the Iowa Hawkeyes, you should be embarrassed. On the contrary, all Iowa Hawkeyes fans should be wearing at least one Hawkeyes-related clothing item at all times. Hats, shirts, socks, posters, flags, mugs, glasses, notepads, stickers, etc. If it has a hawk on it, it’s good to go. 

  1. If it’s from the sea, don’t trust it.
Unless it’s salmon. Salmon is okay.

  1. Keep your house at 60 degrees in the winter.
Your daughters might go crazy from the cold but no one will call you crazy for all the money you are saving in heating costs.

  1. Always bring coupons to the grocery store.
If you have a coupon for it, buy it. Get 20 yogurts at one time if you have a good coupon. You might not be able to eat them before they expire, but they still taste fine if they are expired.

  1. If you don’t like it, don’t eat it.
If you find yourself at a restaurant that serves “foreign” food, don’t worry about trying anything new. Just order a Diet Pepsi and wait to eat at home. If the establishment doesn’t have Diet Pepsi, ask the waiter if you are in Russia.

  1. If you find an employee cafeteria, ask them if you can eat there.
Cafeterias provide inexpensive food for their employees. Oftentimes you can eat there without working there! Sit down and enjoy a discounted tray.

  1. Keep your car clean.
A car is a reflection of you. You can also see a reflection of yourself on a clean car. Thus, you are seeing a reflection of you on a reflection of you. It’s like the movie, Inception, which is not a romantic comedy, and therefore, a bad movie which is sometimes a decent metaphor.

  1. Stick with what you like.
If you like Wheaties, Diet Pepsi and Cinnamon Trident, you should stick with Wheaties, Diet Pepsi and Cinnamon Trident for the rest of your life. Companies only discontinue products when their consumers become traitors.

  1. Discover your “look” early on and maintain it.
Life is too short to have multiple haircuts. Men only go bald when their hair is confused.

13. Teach your daughters how to play sports

Have patience and make sure they practice often. Once they become professional sports players, you will be able to retire early.

  1. Don’t bother with social media and blogs.
Social media does not make any sense. Why are you reading this when you could be out on a boat?

 (I stole this idea from Sara Shelton, check out her blog here)